Romantic Scriptures--Ephesians 5:25

Day 2

Happy St. Valentine’s Day!

(I’m opting for the more formal, saintly designation). 🙂

And Paul’s words to me today are frank.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

(I suppose in all fairness, Paul’s admonition to the men of Ephesus could also be directed to wives, but I don’t think I have the energy to untangle the sexual, cultural, religious mores of Paul’s time especially in comparison to today’s mores–even though I do know that Paul’s words to husbands was revolutionary at the time for their emphasis on LOVE and not contractual obligation).

Most marriages in Paul’s day were arranged for social or economic reasons (and political reasons for those higher up the social ladder)–kind of like how we might shop around for a riding mower at Lowes today.

Marriage wasn’t all that romantic.

You married a woman so she could bear children to help you herd sheep or help mend the fishing nets or cut down the cedar trees.

Or her Daddy was rich.

Marrying for love just wouldn’t be all that practical–who could afford the time to sit around pie-eyed and moonstruck?

(Like shouldn’t I be doing something more practical than reflecting on Paul’s words in Ephesians 5)?

Besides, Paul knew that marriage wasn’t much of a cure for lust either–there were innumerable EASIER ways to take care of that then as there are now.

No, Paul counsels that marriage is a holy union, a living symbol, and a precious relationship that needs self-sacrificial care.

C.S. Lewis explains this necessity for self-sacrifice in Mere Christianity:

“The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up your self, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.”

Lewis outlines the philosophical underpinning of self-sacrifice in marriage–but what he says is difficult to grasp in the normal hurly-burly of an actual day of being married.

All day, every day, is a constant tug-of-war between selfish intent and mutual agreement. On everything.

Maybe not a tug-of-war. Maybe more like a dance where we both, at some point, hear the same music and respond to it and each other in concert.

Andreas Kostenberger describes marriage in The Bible’s Teaching On Marriage And Family:

“Marriage is a relationship of free self-giving of one human being to another. The marriage partners are to be first and foremost concerned about the wellbeing of the other person and to be committed to each other in steadfast love and devotion. This involves the need for forgiveness and restoration of the relationship in the case of sin. Mutuality, however, does not mean sameness in role. Scripture is clear that wives are to submit to their husbands and to serve as their “suitable helpers,” while husbands are to bear the ultimate responsibility for the marriage before God.”

Somehow, even though Paul introduces the prospect of romantic love into the marriage contract, when I look at my marriage(s), I’ve always got hung up on the responsibilities of marriage AFTER falling in love.

I’m pretty good at feeling romantic about love and marriage.

I’ve been singing along to Etta James’ At Last all morning:

At last, my love has come along

My lonely days are over

And life is like a song

Ooh yeah, yeah

At last, the skies above are blue

My heart was wrapped up in clover

The night I looked at you

I found a dream, that I could speak to

A dream that I can call my own

I found a thrill to rest my cheek to

A thrill that I have never known

Ohh yeah yeah

You smile

You smile

Oh and then the spell was cast

And here we are in heaven

For you are mine

At last

It’s just all that other stuff that Paul, C.S., and Andreas are going on about that trip me up.

In The Meaning Of Marriage: Facing The Complexities Of Commitment With The Wisdom Of God, Timothy Keller writes about failing at and in marriage:

“So why did I fail? It was because I believed the gospel with my head but it wasn’t operational in my heart. The ability to serve another person requires the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth, to drive this very gospel into our hearts until it changes us.”

I can swoon with Etta James all I want–but if I don’t let the Holy Spirit guide me as Paul suggests–and love Karen “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” then I’m back to Paul’s day of treating my marriage like I’m a consumer and Karen is the product.

There’s no dignity in that.

Plus, there won’t be another St.Valentine's Day either. 🙂

Wherever you are in your journey, hang in there–the dream you can speak to exists–just for you.

Lord, teach us to embody Your selfless, sacrificial love in our relationships, especially our marriages. Strengthen us to serve on another, to bear each other’s burdens, and to honor the sacred bonds of marriage.

Lord, let Your Spirit dwell in us, transforming our hearts to align with Your will.

Amen.